In last week’s article. “Charlie Kirk, Mason–Dixon, and the Boys Online,” I promised to unpack 7 things we should be teaching our boys if they are to become healthy, flourishing, virtuous, manly men who are fit to lead in the home, church, business, government, sports, and the military. The kind of men who don’t hate. The kind of men who meet an opposing argument with a better argument instead of a personal insult or a loaded gun.
These 7 things are not an exhaustive list. They are the bare minimum of what we should expect of all men. I believe that even non-Christians can agree with them, as a matter of natural law and common grace. If boys don’t learn these things, they simply will not become good men. And our nation desperately needs good men.
Don’t Do The Don’ts
Online culture will not teach or cultivate these seven things in boys. The algorithms work against them. To learn these things, boys must hear and see them in real, bodily present, men: their fathers, grandfathers, uncles, teachers, coaches, and pastors. They must hear them over again. And they must see them lived out in the real world. These are things that honorable men don’t do.
1. Don’t hate.
Last Sunday, Erika Kirk, the young widow of Charlie Kirk, declared with a quivering voice and a broken heart, her forgiveness for the 22-year-old man who murdered her husband. Her words shocked and moved millions to tears:
“Our Savior said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they not know what they do.’ That young man … I forgive him, I forgive him because it was what Christ did, and it’s what Charlie would do. The answer to hate is not hate. The answer we know from the Gospel is love.””
[Screenshot: CNN]
A murderer hated Charlie Kirk, but Charlie Kirk’s widow is not hating him back. The audacious beauty of the gospel is that even if Charlie Kirk’s assassin repents in his jail cell and trusts in Christ alone, he’ll not only be forgiven by Erika Kirk, but by the Savior of the world.
It’s easier to love the people who like us and the people who are like us. But love is an intentional decision to behave in a way that benefits another person and aims for their happiness, regardless of their relation to us. Every person is made in the image of God and is therefore duly worthy of our love. The second greatest commandment is to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mt. 22:39). Your neighbor is anyone God brings across your path, regardless of skin color, gender, native language, political party, or zip code. Don’t show partiality or favoritism to the popular, the powerful, and the prosperous.
Even our enemies, the people who would celebrate our failure, must be the recipients of our love. There’s a place for self-defense, but not for vengeance (Ro. 12:10). Loving our enemy means that instead of seeking to destroy them, we pray for them and do good to them (Mt. 5:44; Lk. 6:27).
Loving our enemy doesn’t mean that we cower before them or ignore their offenses. Love may demand us to courageously confront, oppose, restrain, and defeat them in their own best interest.
Also, there’s an order of loves (ordo amoris). You should love your children enough to buy them groceries, but you don’t have to buy groceries for everyone’s children. However, we never have an excuse to be unloving to anyone, anywhere, at any time.
The command to love others connects and explains all other commands. It’s not loving to lie, break promises, cheat, brag, or disrespect women. These acts are self-centered, self-absorbed, and self-promoting. Manliness calls for self-discipline, self-denial, and self-sacrifice.
2. Don’t lie.
Knowing, loving, and speaking the truth is the solid core of integrity. Everyone speaks the truth some of the time, many speak the truth most of the time, but good men speak the truth so reliably that they’re widely known as trustworthy sources of information. And speaking the truth requires the skill set necessary to discern the truth in a media-drenched world overflowing with lies.
Everyone lies, but honorable men know that the best way to avoid lying is to stop doing things you have to lie about. Show me an adulterer, I’ll show you a liar. Show me an alcoholic, I’ll show you a liar. Show me a thief, a cheat, or a murderer, and I’ll show you a liar. Men lie to get pleasure, possessions, or praise they don’t deserve, or they lie to avoid pain, pressure, or penalty they do deserve. If you’re lying about something, it’s likely because you have something to hide. But if you’re living honorably, you have nothing to lie about.
An honorable man either speaks the truth or holds his tongue. He won’t knowingly present as truth what he knows to be false. He’ll not fabricate, exaggerate, slander, or deceive. He is careful with his speech, because he knows that “on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak” (Mt. 12:36).
3. Don’t break your promises.
As a West Texas rancher once told me, “A man’s word is his bond.” Spend a lifetime developing a reputation for being good for your word. Whether it’s the vow you made to your wife on your wedding day, or the note you sign at the bank, or a commitment you gave to a customer, or a contract you negotiated with a vendor. Sometimes it will be easy to keep your promises and sometimes it will cost you dearly, but make the sacrifice to do what you say you’ll do. God is pleased with the man “who swears to his own hurt and does not change” (Ps. 15:4).
4. Don’t cheat.
Play by the rules. Don’t cheat in sports. Don’t cheat in school. Don’t cheat in business. Don’t cheat in politics. Don’t cheat on your income tax, your final exam, or your homework.
An ethics professor at a Christian college recently wrote about the rampant use of ChatGPT among his students (in his ethics class!), even though the syllabus was clear that this was forbidden. Here’s how he described it:
It was only after running their midterm essays through the embedded AI detector in our learning management system that I realized how deep the problem went: The detector flagged 7 papers out of 30 that were more than 50 percent constructed using AI tools.
Cheating in small things in the early years sets a pattern for cheating in bigger things in the later years. The U.S. Uniform Code of Military Justice makes adultery a punishable offense because, among other things, if a man can cheat on his wife, he can cheat on his country.
5. Don’t brag.
Bragging betrays deep insecurity and pride. You can become the president of your own public relations firm if you want, but people will grow weary of you. Self-congratulating, self-promoting, self-praising men project weakness and threaten team unity as they take credit for the work of others. “Let another praise you,” says the wise father to his son, “and not your own mouth; a stranger and not your own lips” (Pr. 27:2).
King Herod basked in the flattering praise of his audience: “The voice of a god, and not of a man!” But God’s angel struck him dead because he didn’t give glory to God and “he was eaten by worms” (Acts 12:23). That story impressed me as a boy and I’ve never forgotten it.
As a rule, if you think you’ve achieved something noteworthy, trust the Lord to bring it to the attention of others. If he doesn’t, your obscurity is probably for your good. If you’re not recognized as you think you deserve, let your disappointment turn you to the Lord to find pleasure in the approval of the one who “sees in secret” (Mt. 6:4). There will be times when you’ll need to bring attention to what God has done for and through you, but this requires careful navigation and self-examination as you give God all the glory.
6. Don’t disrespect women.
Women are equal to you in essence, dignity, and worth. A woman can do some things you can’t do, and you can do some things she can’t do. Value her God-designed differences. Use your superior size and strength to serve and protect women in your family, at church, and in the marketplace.
Speak to and about women with respect, kindness, and courtesy. Never threaten, harass, or harm them verbally or physically. Don’t dehumanize them by viewing pornography, even if they choose to dehumanize themselves for a price. Don’t use them for your selfish sexual satisfaction. Learn to honor women now by respecting your mother and your sisters. Be a man known for “showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel” (1 Peter 3:7) without being condescending or patronizing.
7. Don’t admire men who do these things.
A man of integrity “honors those who fear the Lord” (Ps. 15:4). He can show respect for another man’s position of God-ordained authority by saluting the rank, but he will not “praise the wicked” (Pr. 28:4) or be “envious of the wicked” (Pr. 24:19). He won’t “be envious of wrongdoers” because he knows they will “fade like the grass” (Ps. 37:1,2). He won’t sacrifice his own integrity by playing the sycophant to men who lack integrity.
Try to think of a man that Jesus admired. It wasn’t Caiaphas, Pilate, Caesar, or the rich man whose scraps fell to Lazarus. The closest Jesus comes to expressing admiration for another man was when he spoke of John the Baptist:
As they went away, Jesus began to speak to the crowds concerning John: “What did you go out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken by the wind? What then did you go out to see? A man dressed in soft clothing? Behold, those who wear soft clothing are in kings’ houses.What then did you go out to see? A prophet? Yes, I tell you, and more than a prophet. (Matthew 11:7–8)
Yet, John’s life was cut short when his head was cut off. He spoke truth to power. He confronted a man known for his hating, lying, promise-breaking, cheating, and bragging ways. Then that dishonorable man in high office killed one of the most honorable men who ever lived.
Like John the Baptist, an honorable man won’t flatter accomplished, but corrupt men. He won’t use a different standard for powerful, but arrogant men. He won’t willfully ignore the wrongdoing in a wealthy, but wicked man. He won’t be a partisan, quickly perceiving wrongdoing in his opponents while willfully blind to the same wrongdoing in himself and his allies. He will not celebrate liars, praise cheaters, or promote braggers.
All his heroes will have flaws, because they’re fallen. But his heroes will be honorable, humble, courageous men who can receive rebuke, admit when they’re wrong, and have the guts to make it right.
Is This Something We Can All Agree On?
Can we agree on these 7 things? I’m sure you can think of 7 more we could add to the list, but can we start with these 7? Does anyone really want to argue that it’s in the best interest of our communities, churches, schools, government, and nation to raise up a generation of boys who hate, lie, cheat, brag, disrespect women, and admire men who do these things? Regardless of your religion or politics, is that really the crusade you want to lead? Can’t we at least agree on this?
What Every Man Needs
Of course, if we teach our sons to be this kind of man, they’ll be forced to face the hard reality that they’ve already done these don’ts. They’ve broken God’s law and failed to hit the target. In their failure, we pray they’ll see their great need for a Savior. No man is good enough, strong enough, honest enough, noble enough, or bold enough, to save himself. Only Jesus is qualified to be our perfect substitute, treated on the cross like he did the don’ts so we can be treated for eternity as if we did the dos. He alone can save us because:
Jesus didn’t hate.
Jesus didn’t lie.
Jesus didn’t break his promises.
Jesus didn’t cheat.
Jesus didn’t brag.
Jesus didn’t disrespect women.
Jesus didn’t admire men who did these things.
On a personal note, I have two precious granddaughters who will be looking for marriage partners in about 20 years. They are two of the many reasons I’m praying that parents of sons will take these things to heart.
Related Articles:
Fathers, Sons, and Ernest Hemingway
Semper Fidelis and Your Assurance Policy
The Deadly Serious Business of Toys, Play, and Childhood Anxiety
Why America Needs Sports Right Now
Seek Wisdom In the Age of Algorithms
Amen and amen!!! Thank you, Steve!!